I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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