I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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