I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
We need a shit load of segways right now
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I had to cum in my sink.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
