I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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