i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
We need to get me chipped asap
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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