I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
