I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
