Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
