Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
