yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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