You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
