I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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