I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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