I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
