My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I just blew my weed a kiss
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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