You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
