Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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