gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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