I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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