just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
