i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
