I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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