Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
