OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
