I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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