I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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