I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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