Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
