John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
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