How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
