angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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