Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
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