I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I deserve this hangover.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
