No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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