i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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