I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
