I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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