uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
