Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
