Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
