I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
