So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
