Swine flu. Run for my life!
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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