I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
