the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
