everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
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