Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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