It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
