I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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