once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
