i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
