I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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